*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
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[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Customer is always right
i can’t wait that long
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.