*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
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[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I didn’t come here to be called names
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.