*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
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I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Netflix: We have Less
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???
“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”
“A hiss-drawn carriage”
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website