Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

I can’t stop watching this.

During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.

Me: Really?

Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.

Me: What?!

Mom: He’s an alcoholic.

Me: I don’t think…

Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.

Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.

I got soap in my shower beer again.

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

The Most Popular Apps:

*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches

*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time

*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app

*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars

*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

there has never been a better use of this meme