[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
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Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them