[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
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The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
When libraries troll their patrons.
