Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
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Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Mouse
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
So that’s what we looked like?
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I laughed at this way too hard.