On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
