On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
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I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.