On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
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date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.