On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
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Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.