@MavenofHonor

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

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@PorkUrPine

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

@ArielBen6

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

@Smooheed

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

@UncleDuke1969

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

@SortaBad

*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

@charrrllaa

I don’t understand people with anchor tattoos that say, “I refuse to sink.” It’s a damn anchor! It’s supposed to sink! What am I missing?

@dysondoc

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

@UltraPunch

It’s impossible to say “mesh” without sounding like Sean Connery…

Also you just tried it.