Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

I’ve just had to let my trousers out.

They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

[DATE NIGHT]

Me: You and me baby

Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?

Me: so let’s do it….?

Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!

Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

4yo: fold me like a towel

Me: what?

4yo: FOLD ME

Me: okaaay

4yo: stack me on top of the towels

Me: what?

4yo: STACK ME

Parenthood is wild

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.