Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*

Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet

Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?

ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start

My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

My flabber has been gasted.

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much