on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
You Might Also Like
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Lmao the reply
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
english majors be like furthermore
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company