Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

ㅤ

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.

It says: STOP

You don’t need to study the dammed thing.

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly

The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.

On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

This classic never gets old . . .

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go

*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*

My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side