Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

real

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

American recipes are litch like

•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”

2020’s guy: “yeah”

1680’s guy: “yeah”

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.

Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!

Me: I didn’t mean for you.

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both