on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
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*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Classic German Shepherd 😂
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You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.