Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

Her: Have you planned your funeral?

Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.

Her: (Stares)

Me: What? Are you busy on that day?

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.

Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.