Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok

Bear knowledge

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?

It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.

But it’s harder to deter gents.

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

New menu item

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat