If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.