@LaziestCanine

[on intercom]

Pilot: does anyone know how to land an airplane? asking for a friend, i swear

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@ruinedpicnic

[catches spider in a glass]
spider: omg are you going to drink me?
me: oh no this is just to take you outside
spider:
me:
spider: drink me

@Dawn_M_

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

@dorsalstream

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

@KevinFarzad

It’s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, “I love you” and they’re like, “thank you for choosing Domino’s.”

@girlontapas

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

@DaddyJew

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

@KeetPotato

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

@karanbirtinna

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

@Parkerlawyer

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”