[catches spider in a glass]
spider: omg are you going to drink me?
me: oh no this is just to take you outside
spider: drink me
Pilot: does anyone know how to land an airplane? asking for a friend, i swear
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What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
It’s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, “I love you” and they’re like, “thank you for choosing Domino’s.”
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”