Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”

“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!

Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.

Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.