Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”

not going to work.

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.

Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.

Wife: this is how monsters are made

Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.