I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
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*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
18: You & I are getting fat bec. u cook so damn good! IT’S.ALL.YOUR.FAULT!
I was insulted, complimented, then scolded in under 2.5 seconds.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, ‘what do you have to tell me?’ he said, ‘I don’t know, never made it this far’
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!