
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: youβre way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”