@WhatTheFFacts

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

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@Cheeseboy22

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

@TheDeducers

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

@Pee_And_Giggles

18: You & I are getting fat bec. u cook so damn good! IT’S.ALL.YOUR.FAULT!

I was insulted, complimented, then scolded in under 2.5 seconds.

@OwensDamien

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

@VanGobot

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

@girlnarly

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

@Impetermoran

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

@0point5twins

“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”

*flirty giggle* “ok…”

“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”

@KKBowls

I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, ‘what do you have to tell me?’ he said, ‘I don’t know, never made it this far’

@slimmy_shady

Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!