On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
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Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.