@WhatTheFFacts

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

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@C00LpenNAME

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

@bencoffeehall

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

@hilaryfairie

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

@murrman5

*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*

@daemonic3

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

@senderblock23

My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.

@KalvinMacleod

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

@TheRolo

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

@smithsara79

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

@TheToddWilliams

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”