[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
