On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
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S M O L
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.