Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?

Me: Eat your dinner.

6: But my belly hurts.

Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.

6: But I’ll feel better then.

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

[The Second Coming]

Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“

Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”

Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

Every time.

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n