On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
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“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.