Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

Truth

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not