Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”

I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.

It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

Show me a better name for a sugar company.

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.