Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.

Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

Economists trying to explain how inflation is real

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat