Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do

kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

me: stop calling me names!

bully: shut up names

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.