On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
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DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.