On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
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[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Chemical wingman
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”