On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with ‘unsubscribe’

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Reviews of Hogwarts

“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

“At least one student dies every year”


If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.


“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.


“What has 8 arms, is ominous looking and ink is its weapon of choice?”
“An octopus?”
“No Jeff, the answer is my wife’s 4 divorce attorneys”


Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”


I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”


“I’m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back.”

—-people in wheelchairs probably


Social networking has become a club. Twitter is the dance floor. Instagram is the bar and Facebook is the people crying in the bathroom.


nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…