@MortifiedMama

On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with ‘unsubscribe’

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@BigJDubz

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

@dubiousgenius

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

@KentWGraham

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

@HunkyBeefy

“What has 8 arms, is ominous looking and ink is its weapon of choice?”
“An octopus?”
“No Jeff, the answer is my wife’s 4 divorce attorneys”

@SortaBad

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

@WornOutMommy

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

@QueefTornado

“I’m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back.”

—-people in wheelchairs probably

@JohnDuffy21

Social networking has become a club. Twitter is the dance floor. Instagram is the bar and Facebook is the people crying in the bathroom.

@guskenworthy

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…