My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
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My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner