On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
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HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
New menu item
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
another case of gang violins
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.