On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
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If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
