On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
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live, laugh, laundry.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
selfie game
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.