On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
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I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations