On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
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Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore