Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

*Rubs lamp*

*Nothing happens*

Where’s the genie?

*Takes off lampshade*

What’s wrong with this thing?

The French really did the “this is fine” meme.

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

Managing expectations

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse

FRIEND: “Eat” a horse

ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse

HORSE: [gives me a taco]

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?