On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
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Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
An odd boast
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
