On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.


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When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.


I talk a lot of shit for someone who won’t sleep with her feet out from under the covers because of the monsters under the bed.


Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”


My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.


*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?


PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than


GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this


There’s an epidemic in Britain that makes vulnerable young women inexplicably attracted to douchebags who miss leg day.


If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.


“How come Americans write the month first?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today”
“It’s the fourth of July”