On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
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POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.