On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
You Might Also Like
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Dance like you’re not the father
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital