*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
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Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
idk what this dog had been going through but same
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*