*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
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20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.