Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

The Fast and the Furious.

– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.

You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.

Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

me linking you to my twitter

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts