Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.

Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

[Pet store]

Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”

Me: “You can’t prove that.”

*My purse starts barking*

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.

I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi