@Shade510

* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

You Might Also Like

@Nikkeya08

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

@PhilJamesson

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?

@Dr_powpow

Like every good global citizen I’ve reduced my power consumption by 50% by running all my power off the neighbours while they’re on vacation

@_NinJar

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

@darksidedeb

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

@nishadtrivedi

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

@BoredomDidIt

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

@fro_vo

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

@dave_cactus

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

@Holy_Mowgli

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired