Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
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Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Like every good global citizen I’ve reduced my power consumption by 50% by running all my power off the neighbours while they’re on vacation
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired