Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’

virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this

[later]

virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.

Perfect.

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

me: i won employee of the month

her: ur self-employed

me:

her:

me: i also got demoted

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”