Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

“WTF?”

“Seriously?”

“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash

#merica

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.

Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”