[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
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If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”