Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”

Is your wife single?

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?

me: with ease

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.

No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook

astronaut: houston we have a problem

houston: what is it?

astronaut: my wife left me

houston: we only deal with space problems

astronaut:

houston:

astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

The Struggle

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out