[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
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My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
At least my masseuse has my back.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
#parenting
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.