Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL

[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store

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