[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
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My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
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him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that