DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
You Might Also Like
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.