Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

Potatoes were such a good idea

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else

MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.

Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?

Her: No.

Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado