Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

Order here:
More here:

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one

clerk: do you have a baby

me: would you accept cash instead

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone

If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.

– inventor of steel

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.