Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

“Can I be completely honest with you?”

— someone about to piss me off

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?