Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

ㅤ

Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent