[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
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me
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*