[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
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“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
We need more people like this.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
“HELP WITH CAT”
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.