[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
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The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Botany good plants lately?
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!