[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
