They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
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HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Banana is the quietest snack
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!