Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings

The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early

toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.

I stuck my head out the window and moo-ed at the cows, this date will soon be over.

Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…

Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.

For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]