Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.