[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
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They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks