on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
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I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.