Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

what do you want!!!!!!!!

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists