Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*

Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

(after bedtime)

3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!

Me: go to sleep.

3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU

M: yes you can

3:NO I CAN’T

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.