On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
You Might Also Like
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.