On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
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Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
The Book. The Movie.
I am patiently waiting for your email
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute